Cringe binge

It's been quite some time since the last time I sat down with the intent of writing something meaningful. I write all the time, though! I write tweets, I write tons of slack messages, and I write the occasional "check-in and update" message to a friend or family member I speak with every few days, or weeks, or months. I write keywords on Google search, I write captions on Instagram, I write contact information and card numbers, I write in spreadsheets and I write daily reports. I write all the time!

And yet, I haven't written in years. I can barely bring myself to open Blogger, let alone actually post in my blog. I used to think it was just writer's block or something, but eventually I realized that to even have a block, you gotta be an actual writer first. And that it is highly unlikely that you can become one if all you ever want to write ends up buried somewhere deep inside your head, never able to leave the constrains of your own thoughts and forever hidden from the cruel eyes just as much as from the merciful.

I feel like some things are starting to take too much space in my head, and that I have self-isolated so much that I actually forgot what is like to live with others. I'm increasingly more interested in keeping short all my interactions with loved ones, but at the same time I wish I had more time to spend with them; it's a weird position that not even I understand. 

I feel like the shorter the time spent interacting with others, the lower the energy costs are going to be, and that makes it convenient, but what really makes it convenient is that in a short interaction, I barely have the time to actually build up enough confidence to start talking about myself and what's really going in my head. 

Sometimes I take it to Twitter, where I post small glimpses of what's going on up here. I often share some of my  losses and satirize my own disgrace in a way that I think is sometimes funny, and I know for sure that's just what I'm supposed to do because I'd definitely kill myself if I took shit just slightly more seriously so, "acid funny" is my thing.

I keep making these sad attempts to open up and show my wounds and scarring, but everytime it's really troublesome to even start to do it and when I realize how much work it takes, I no longer feel like it's worth it. I'd like to have something to say about something, but whenever I try to even start to share my feelings and thoughts, I instantly regret it. I'll let out a few words or hints and immediately feel dumb and super cringey I mean, I know we are all cringe and that's OK most of the time and I guess it could be worse; I could be much more cringy, but still! Kyo can speak from the bottom of the heart and it's admirable and the holy word because it's coming from him, but when I do something similar and then read or hear what I said, it makes me wanna vomit. 

So yeah I came back to this post to try and finish it but I don't think I can, so I'll just post it now as it is before I (completely) regret it. Yeah, of course that I haven't even posted it yet but I already want to delete it.